I've fucked up again and again and again. When will it end? when will I stop and realize food isn't nearly as good as thin... I mean, I do... I do realize that... But why do I time and time again fuck it up? I'm just sick. I'm sick and fucking tired of being alone all the time having nothing to do but watch Gossip Girl and wait to hang out with D. When I'm not with him I'm all alone, not one friend... Not even my sister anymore... I want to scream! I just keep telling myself "tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow will be different" and it never fucking is! I need a friend, I need someone... I wish I knew someone here who I could turn to... Someone to support me. I've always been okay on my own. I mean I'm 18 now... When I was 15 and 16 I was fasting all the time and I was so thin... What changed? I'm just fucking sick of this. It ends now.

Clean slate and a clean plate.

Well, first things first I've completely fucked myself over these past 2 days, what happened to everything I said in my will power speech the other day, right? friggin ridiculous... But today is a new day, clean slate, yeah? an apple (and only an apple) a day keeps the doctor away. I mean, I don't even know why or how I can let myself slip like I do? I mean it's like I don't just make one little slip up, once I screw up once during the day I forget the whole plan and screw up over and over again. Anyways my point is I can not keep doing this. I will not allow myself to be this person anymore!!!I fucking sick of it. Today is a new day, clean slate... I'm not going to keep failing. This time I will do whatever it takes to stay strong and get thin. I owe it to myself to be the best I can be and if that means food deprivation, self discipline, whatever, so be it. It's not going to be easy but it is going to be worth it. I know that much for sure. I hate my body and I need to do this for me... For the summer, for the outfits I want to be wearing, for the boys who will be staring. Time for some thinspirations,

I'll be sure to write more tomorrow... I'll be back with a plan and hopefully a well rest, stay hungry my friends,

xoxo, N. 

Thinspo

Okay, so I haven't posted in a couple days but things have taken a turn... Well... A couple turns, some for the better some for the worse. I will explain soon. But for now here's a little thinspo to keep chin up during these winter blues
.

Xoxo, N.

SFVDSCFKNCFUCK.

I am FUCKING done. D is not taking me to my fucking doctors appointment tomorrow because he wants to stay in Vernon and "work through this". You know what D? Fuck you. You can have a grand time working through me ignoring your texts and calls for the next fucking week you immature, insensitive DOUCHEBAG.

When all else fails, fast.

Well, I don't know how to feel... Other than empty (YAY!) I feel annoyed. I should feel sad! But I just really feel irritated... D's trying to justify hiding his 'love' for me.... How is that love at all? bleh... I don't even know what to say. It's just like fine D, whatever, I don't fucking care anymore. But I really truly don't want to be someone's secret anymore and I'm not buying into his shit, I'm trying to be rational but I'm not fucking into this stupid shit! Like I told D - the ball is in his court, I'm willing to be (somewhat) patient. Maybe I need a break from him as well, like serious, fucking ridiculous.

Anywayzums, today feels like a fine day for  food deprivation! Last night as I was falling asleep I heard my stomach rumble and roar a good 6 times, it was glorious. It's crazy how good those little things can make you feel. So today I'm obviously going to need a distraction from food, and not only that now but a distraction from texting or thinking too much about D, so on that note I've decided to rearrange my room! yay! F pointed out last night that I may want to move my bed to the little creepy corner thing in my room.... SO I agreed that it's a good idea.

D is trying to blame this entire argument on me which really hurts my feelings... The thing I can't stand is that he is completely insensitive and wont put himself in my shoes. He ignores my age, he ignores my personality and what it longs for in him... Fuck, whatever. He keeps saying "I don't deserve this", no D? you don't deserve the copious amounts of love I have showed you and continue to show you? you don't deserve a girl who takes pride in your relationship? Fuck.

I'm fasting today, fuck it. As long as I don't see him I wont drink which means I don't need to eat. Sounds like a good friggin idea to me. Asshole.

Xoxo, N.

VICTORY!!!

My tummy feels kind of empty and hungry... THIS IS VICTORY! lol... No but serious, this is good.

Xoxo, N.

I choose thin.

D is being a douche. Which I almost don't mind because it makes me want to become more beautiful and thin in order for him to regret it. Also I want to be so thin and beautiful that when we fight he realizes how ignorant he is because he's risking losing me. I mean already I'm the best he's going to get... So when I keep becoming better and better he'll be able to resist me less and less... Though it, of course, is not only for him... I want to FEEL beautiful... I want to LOOK beautiful... I want to be beautiful. I want to turn heads... I want to fit into my old jeans again.... No, I want them to be loose on me. I haven't been eating a night and will continue that, also I've been eating not as much... I will let it lessen day by day, I'm not going to jump into a fast right away like I normally do... That always is so hard especially when I'm just getting back on track. I'm going to really watch what I'm eating, yesterday morning I had a pretty large, gross breakfast, I wont be letting that happen again. More fruit! omnom. 

About D, I'm going to make him want me by not being a sappy, needy bitch about this fight... I'm just going to let him take his time, text when he wants. I mean, I've said what I needed to say, he knows how I feel, he knows what I want, he can take it or leave it. 

I can't wait to be thin again... Get back to my mean girl queen of the world attitude... I told my mom I've been gaining weight and she agreed and told me she thinks it looks great, I pretended to agree... Really it was just motivation... Not to mention the motivation from Sasquatch... It's so quickly approaching!!! And not to say I'm still in love with R...But.... When he sees me I want him to miss holding me...The thin me. I don't want him to look at me and wonder if he could even get his arms around me anymore... Anyway, I don't need to list reason after reason as to why I want to lose this weight... All I need to remember is there's countless reasons to... And there is NO, not 1 reason to keep the weight. Will power is a choice, it's a lifestyle and an amazing trait to have. I choose will power. I choose self discipline. I choose thin!

Xoxo, N.

Chapter II

Welcoming myself back into the world of Ana has been even more difficult and frustrating this time around than it was years ago when I was only an adolescent. It's so disappointing to know I was cozy and warm in Ana's arms and I gave it all up for what? for some comfort food and lazy days? It was not worth it, clearly. I was beginning to be able to bare my reflection in the mirror, I almost liked being naked in front of D. But now I cannot stand him looking at my body... Let alone me having to look at my body.

On the plus side new beggings are fair in the game of life, so here we begin chapter two. Hold on to your love handles girls, because I'll be running past you in no time.

xoxo, N.